Did I choose the easy way out????

     These were the before picture's. I was 230, which was my highest weight ever! I had high blood pressure, pre-diabetes. I was tired all the time! I tried to eat right and work out, but no matter what I did, I'd lose 5 pounds but then it would go back to 230. I have a poor family health history and needed to change to save my life. I have PCOS as I've spoken about before, which robbed me from having a normal period, hair on my face, couldn't lose weight, and created the insulin resistance. I went through countless fertility treatment's and spent a lot of money for them all to fail. My body never ever released an egg on it's own, so it was IMPOSSIBLE to get pregnant. Looking at my old picture's makes me tear up right now! At that weight, I knew I was big, but I didn't even realize how bad it really was! Take a look at this picture:

                                       

This was a before of me on the right side and how far I've come on the left. The day that the left hand side picture was taken was when I decided I was going to get the Gastric Bypass surgery! I researched it, knew I tried on my own and it didn't work, knew I wanted a kid, and wanted to take charge for myself. My Doctor fully supported me and I began the process. I had my surgery completed in Louisville, Kentucky with Dr. Oldham at Baptist East health. This is the only place my insurance would cover me. In order for me to have the surgery, I had to undergo a 6 month weight loss journey through my doctor, prove that I had tried in the past, have high blood pressure, PCOS (honestly it was listed as an automatic approval), and sleep apnea, which I had all of those! Jeremiah knew I was unhappy, but he loved me through it all! When I told him about the surgery, he didn't agree with it, but then as he seen everything I had been though, he got on board with me. I required a 2 week liquid diet, which literally consisted of three protein shakes a day and one serving size of meat for dinner with a little bit of vegtables and only water. I was driven and I stuck to it like it was my life. I lost about 5 pounds, but that was it. Typical for PCOS. Now, there are people with PCOS that can lose weight with it through exercise and dieting as not all symptoms for PCOS are universal to everyone. I was one of the unlucky one's where no matter what I did, it wouldn't work. If I was ever to be a mother, I knew surgery had to be done. The last step we had was In-vitro fertilization, which is just as much as the surgery! So, I decided the surgery was it. Here is a picture of the day of surgery.

This was right before they took me back. This is a face of an excited, but scared person. I didn't know if I would make it or if I would fail. I was afraid he wouldn't be able to do the surgery. I thought it was too good to be true. I was afraid of dying. I didn't know the complication's that would follow, but this was most definitely not the easy way out and you will see why as I begin. First, I want everyone to know what is involved with the Gastric Bypass.  It involves leaving the stomach inside, but bypassing it. There is a small pouch formed that is connected from the esophagus into the small intestine. This means that after I eat everything goes straight through the pouch. I have to be on vitamins the rest of my life because the food moves so quick that we don't properly absorb the nutrient's from the food that I eat. Taking the vitamins are not bad, but it's not too fun. I can eat about 4 ounces of protein and maybe some veggies, if I'm lucky. Most time's I'm filled up extremely quick. 

The first week after the surgery, I slept the entire time and was on a lot of pain medicine. I had to be on liquid's again for a few weeks, which involved protein shakes. They stressed 64 oz of protein a day and 64 oz of water a day. I wasn't hungry at at all, so this wasn't too bad. Then, I progressed to soft food/pureed food, which was jello, sugar free pudding, soup, etc. Again, I wasn't hungry and that wasn't hard at all. I started dropping weight week by week very quickly! However, when I progressed to regular food slowly, I started to have my first set of complication's.

The first complication that I suffered was starting to throw up literal foam and slime after I ate. This was my body's way of throwing up. I couldn't keep anything down, but I thought this was a part of the surgery. Each episode would last an hour with me standing over the sink as I spit up this foam and slime with no food. I wanted to throw up to get it over with, but couldn't. I could feel pressure in my esophagus. I finally called my surgeon and he had to do a scope. Scope's aren't bad, you are in an out within about 15 minutes. He found that there was scar tissue that was forming over the opening to where my new pouch and esophagus were connected. This was preventing me from being able to eat. He had to stick a balloon in there and inflate it until it opened way up. He told me that it probally wouldn't happen again, but it could. Well, three weeks later, I started the throwing up episodes again. I started thinking this is going to be my life now. Called him again and sure enough it was another stricture so it involved another scope and dialation.  Then, he said it's really rare for a third time to be needed. Well, I started throwing up at work with the slime and foam and at home again. This time, I knew what it was so it was back up to Louisville again for another scope and dialation. Going to Louisville is two hours each way, time off from work, and hindered the healing process. I was extremely weak and worn out. I couldn't get regular food down. I was still dropping weight, which I was happy about of course. I dealt with nausea and I never knew when these foam episodes would occur, so I was scared every time I ate! 

Once the three stricture's were passed, I ended up having to deal with bleeding ulcers, which is the scariest part. I started feeling extremely dizzy, but didn't know why. I started throwing up blood the first time and it was a very very large amount. Scared Jeremiah and I to death. I went to the Emergency room in Bowling Green and they stuck a tube through my nose and down into my pouch to try and suck out any other blood. I would not recommend this test for anyone! I was throwing up the foam the entire time! I was crying. I wasn't supposed to even have an NG tube being a bypass patient. Well, they let me go home. Week later, I told Jeremiah that I didn't feel well and he tried to get me dressed to take me to Louisville and I passed out on him. I came back to consiousness immediately. I ended up throwing up blood again and I remember sitting on the floor forcing the blood out and feeling dizzy all at the same time. I told Jeremiah my body can't handle it anymore. I can't throw up again. He got me to the car and I laid in the back seat for a two hour drive all the way to Lousiville. I slept and he kept checking on me by calling my name to make sure I was still alive. When we got to the hospital, they had to put me in a wheel chair and admitted me right away. I was pale and dizzy, nauseous, and I've never felt that horrible in my life. My hemoglobin kept dropping. He did a scope and found the first ulcer in my esophagus. They had to give me blood transfusions, I couldn't eat, nutrition was given to me through IV the entire time along with fluids. This was more time off of work and putting tons of stress on Jeremiah, but he wanted me better. They got my hemoglobin back to 12 after the blood transfusion after a week. I had lost almost 65 pounds at this time! I was super happy about the weightloss, but these complications were scaring me. The throwing up foam stopped, but the dizziness started up again about a month after. 

I also struggled with alcohol addition in between this time too, which I feel ashamed of. One beer hits someone that has bypass surgery like having an IV of alcohol hooked up to you. With all the complications, stress from work, and being depressed, I kept drinking because it made me feel good. before I knew it for two month's straight, I did nothing, but drink every single night. Sometime's I drank even an entire six pack on my own. I was like why am I doing this? I couldn't stop though and Jeremiah was angry with me and told me I needed to stop and I wanted to stop, but the addition had a hold on me. Finally, I quit drinking cold turkey and have got this complication under control. I was tired of counting calories, protein, not having bread, no sugar, and watching everyone else be able to eat whatever they wanted, but i couldn't. So, having something that made me feel good was tempting. Alcoholism after gastric bypass is a real threat and even with the sleeve. I always thought this wasn't a real complication, but it happened to me. Before surgery, I did drink some, but wasn't addicted and it was far and between. 

I didn't feel right when I went into work and I told my supervisor's this. They didn't say anything. Lunch came around that day and I ate just a protein shake because I knew something wasn't right. Then, I knew I was going to throw up. I went in the bathroom at work and threw up blood and I knew the ulcer had opened up again. I thought that it would heal on it's own with all the anti-acid meds that I was on. So, around 7:45pm (my shift ended at 8pm), I decided to go to the bathroom. I sat down on the toilet and the room started spinning again and I knew this is what happened before I passed out the first ulcer. I somehow got the strength to get out of the bathroom to get to the nearest supervisor. Tapped them on the shoulder and said I need help. Then the voices started sounding far away and they caught me in a chair as I passed out. They called ambulance and they got me out of the building. I got to the hospital in Bowling Green and I already told them what it was. They needed a urine sample so, I got up to go to the bathroom and all the sudden room started spinning again and I passed out right in the hallway again. I was hospitalized again and a normal hemoglobin is 12 and mine dropped to a 6, so I had lost half of my hemoglobin so it required 4 pints of blood this time. More time off work again. Then recovery at home. More stress for Jeremiah, but I was able to eat regular food. Then after two months of being  back to work (short term disability), I went home throwing up. I threw up all the way to the car after only being there for an hour! I was off for another three days because this nausea would not go away! I have lost about 73 pounds at this point. Here are some after picture's, which still suprise me today!

Through this entire process, people kept telling me how good I looked and how I looked so much happier, but my energy and all the complications were making me feel miserable! After this last hospitalization for the bleeding ulcer, I started to regret the surgery, but now, I look at all the old pics and I'm reminded of the positives of it. I have more energy finally, skin cleared up, face is a lot thinner, I have a period every month now on my own. I'm dropping sizes like crazy, which feels nice. To be honest, everyone says, "you are so tiny" or "Hey skinny", but I still feel like the fat girl sometimes. I still have 20 pounds to lose and my goal is to do that by June, which will be my 1 year anniversary. I feel good at the moment, but now old habits are starting to sneak in like drinking Mountain Dew, not keeping up with my water, and not working out. Just because you get the surgery doesn't change the fact that you have to put the hard work in too. This is what most people don't realize! they think oh, we can eat whatever we want and we will just lose weight. That's not the case!. You have those stressful day's when you want to give into the eating out commercials, you want that movie popcorn, you want a soda. You get angry that you can't be like everyone else that eats bread, sugar, carbs etc. So, you start letting little habits in and before you know it your weight is stalled. Mine has been stalled for the past 4 months now. I wont drop below 153. Part of it is my fault, because I am giving in to the craving's. I have to get a CT scan coming up soon of my abdomen because I've been having nausea and pain. I don't know if the ulcer will reopen. When I was in the hospital this past time, they had me under for several hours during a scope trying to control the bleeding. They coterized it and injected it with epinepherin. They say it can open again, so I have to worry about it happening again and that is scary to me! I hate passing out and throwing up blood because it's the absolute most scariest thing ever! Everytime I get dizzy, I worry, is it happening again? I don't regret the surgery because I no longer take high blood pressure medicine, I have energy, regular period which means when we start trying in June that we may be able to finally be parent's.  So, you tell me, did I take the easy way out????.....no! If trying it on my own would have worked, I would have done that and not changed my entire anatomy or chanced all these complications or even my life.

Now, I'm to the point where I feel ok the last two weeks. That could change at any time, but I'm hoping that life will leave me alone. I need to get off the carbs, sugar, soda, and figure out why I keep self sabotaging myself. I know that I need some time of vice in life and I don't know why that is. Food was my first vice, then drinking, soda, and now eating out. When I was strictly sticking to the diet, I developed a shopping addition. There's so much that goes into this journey that nobody knows about. It's a very hard mental thing. Starting this week, I want to get back on track and get these last 20 pounds off me. I know that I can treat myself once in awhile, but I can't keep doing what I'm doing or I'll end up gaining all the weight back. I'm lucky that I haven't already! I'm going to finally start working out Monday now that I'm back to work, have energy, and I'm ready to do this. I have to detox, which is not going to be fun at all. When I say detox, I mean ensuring 64 oz of protein either through food or protein shakes, NO CARBS, NO SUGAR. Carbs can be under 20 grams a day. 64-80 oz of water a day. NO EATING OUT. not even one day during the detox. I will be posting more about this in my group. I want to help other's. I want other's that are considering the surgery to know all of this because these are things that I wish I would've known. I would have still done it because I want to be a mom one day!  My husband is able to pick me up now :) 

I'm trying to see myself as beautiful and give myself credit for going through this tough journey. I am working on myself one day at a time. I deal with anxiety and depression along with trying to get out of a job that is doing nothing but dragging me down, but somehow, I feel like I'm going to figure this out! I appreciate everyone that has been there for me through everything because without the encouragement, I don't know what I would have done! I will be more active in my weightloss group and helping those that want meal plans etc. Since it has taken me a lot of time to put the meal plan together, I thought I would ask for 20.00 through PayPal. You will get a  whole month of recipes plus a detox plan. Support through the Facebook group and even thought about doing live video's all for the $20.00. I've researched it all up! I've organized it etc. Let me know if  you're interested. I spent HOURS on it. 

The scale says.......

       I'm writing this a little late as I just got out of work an hour or so ago. I weighed in at 225, which is where I started. The good news? I didn't gain anything. Now, I already expected this because I cheated bad this past week. Am I disappointed? No, because i really didn't do good this week. So here is what happened...

        During the first half of the week I did pretty good. I stayed away from Mountain Dew and had my Nutriblasts. However, I found out the most challenging time for me is not during work, but the last hour of work. I am so hungry! So, I have to put my mind into finding something that will work for me! So...here is what happened..

    Wednesday I got my hair done and after that was done we stopped at the Mexican restaurant. Jeremiah got a really strong craving on Friday for a hamburger. We stopped and got a jalapeno burger from Mcdonalds. I would lie if I said this was not the best tasting hamburger ever. I was literally in food heaven with every bite. We also went to Ihop! SO BAD. I had a big steak omlet with Mountain dew! A few days later Jeremiah and I got into a little fight and so I took the keys, got in my car, and got a large number 1..on Saturday. Sunday, my friend came over and brought me a foot long buffalo chicken sub from Subway! Later that night...bought the dreaded liter of Mountain dew. I felt lethargic, got a pounding headache, felt bloated, and extremely tired as a result of all of this. Needless to say, I wasn't surprised what the scale would say.

  What I learned from this past week? I am human so I get cravings and temptations all around me. When I feel angry or depressed my first instinct is to run to food! This temporarily makes me feel better, but then after the guilt/depression kicks in. Not worth it!

  This brings me to Monday. When I saw the 225, I felt disappointed in myself, but I told myself I can keep trying. I didn't gain weight! I felt an increase of energy all week and so that was amazing! I also felt more regular in my digestive system. I am not going to give up or even dwell on how bad I did this past week, but will remember how the food made me feel!

   Game plan this week? NO mountain dew! Continue with my water. Bring almonds in my water bottle so that the last 2 weeks of work, I can fill up on something healthy! If I feel emotional I will resist the urge to eat. I will ensure that I focus on how bad that food made me feel. Also, I will try to find alternatives when I feel upset or overwhelmed. I am still in this and I refuse to give up!

   Next Monday will be a better weigh in!

Good day today and Weigh in

                                                 

Picture found 

http://www.shophq.com/Cook_s_Companion_trade_Set_of_Two_22_oz_Mixer_Bottles_w_Flavor_Infusers_Storage_Containers/449-320.aspx?storeid=1&track=-51001&cm_re=ProdPage-_-CS1-_-449-320

Today was really good! Let's consider today day 1 because I cheated the other days. I had 

two nutriblasts today! One for breakfast and then one right now as I'm writing this. Experimenting is going a lot better now. 

Breakfast I know had to have a lot of protein in it so that I wouldn't get hungry. Therefore, I had a banana, peanut butter, maca powder, cocoa (real dark stuff), chia seeds, strawberries, protein powder, and almond milk. The taste was wonderful! I am a huge peanut butter fan! Jeremiah, not so much lol, so he made his own. Since it was really easy to clean he made his right up after mine! It's actually fun to experiment on what you want to try! So, just to recap...Saturday I had one and I was REALLY hungry by 7pm. Then, starving on the way home! Well, this one lasted me until my lunch break!!

I did prepare in case I got hungry like Saturday. I brought my water bottle that you see above and filled infuser with lemons and mint leaves. The bottom cup, I had protein powder in case I needed a drink to avoid getting shaky.Let me tell you the taste of the lemon/mint water was amazing. Unfortunately, a side effect is running to the bathroom every 1/2 hour lol. I just kept peeing water...but I kept in mind that it was my body cleansing itself. Now, everyone that knows me understands that I hate water. Mountain dew was my addiction! If it wasn't Mountain Dew, then it had to be flavored water via Crystal Light packets. This water naturally flavored allowed me to drink three of them with no problem at all. So good and refreshing! I also brought a protein bar, which you probably figured out was peanut butter! I also hard boiled two eggs and left them in my lunch. 

Lunch, I had one of those healthy choice frozen meals. I don't like eating those because I know the salt is bad for me, but considering this is the only solid food I eat it should be ok. I had one of my eggs.  Went back to work and around 10:30 started to feel some hunger pains, but knowing I had stuff prepared made it easier. I ate the protein bar and that did absolutely nothing for me! I don't know why those work for other's, but for me no way!! So, after work at midnight, had my egg and that held me over while going to the store to buy a few more veggies. We still have a lot of stuff left over so we may not have to go grocery shopping for awhile. Now how did I feel throughout the day?

I did have a lot of energy. My head seemed clear and I was able to walk up /down the stairs with no problem. I don't feel as bloated as I normally do! No headache today which is amazing! I did have a few mins of tiredness, but I think it was the emotional day I had. Sitting here right now, I feel energized! Something that I haven't felt in a long time. I wanted to go to gym, but Jeremiah didn't feel like it. 

Ok, we got home and of course by now I am hungry! I figured we haven't had a lot of "green" nutriblasts, so I decided that I would have a detox nutriblast. Jeremiah let me surprise him. I put in spinich, kale, parsley, chia seeds, maca powder, cucumber, blueberries, and water. I am not going to lie it tastes like we are drinking a cucumber. The color is really dark green..which is intimidating. However, it's really good. You sometimes feel like you a drinking a salad lol. I feel full and I don't even miss the sensation of chewing food. I think I finally found something that is going to work for me! I am ensuring that I have plenty of protein so I don't starve. I am very excited about how this day went!

My starting weight is 225.0. This is the weight I always come back to when I stop trying to eat right. I've always given up and right back up to 225. My first mini goal is going to be to get under 200! That would be amazing! I think I'm going to have my peanut butter nutriblast every morning. Detox at night for this week. This way I'm not having too many sugary fruits! I'm kind of on a high right now with the amount of energy I have. SERIOUSLY! It's not the placebo effect because Saturday and Sunday I was questioning whether I would be successful at this because I felt terrible! 

I'm not sure if I will do a blog daily or weekly during the weigh ins. What do you all think? Would you like to see a youtube video of me nutriblasting? A lot of exciting things going on right now. I just hope they continue! I am very determined!! I am kind of nervous to weigh in next week! 

NutriBlast and starting off this New Year good!

       We bought a juicer about a year ago after watching Fat, Sick, and nearly dead. This didn't get hardly used because it mashed all the fiber into a basket rather than putting into the drink. Therefore, it was missing the bulk of the nutrition.. Plus, it was a pain to clean it. We came across this infomercial this year and it let us know we can put seeds, skin, and everything (except certain ones like orange skin, kiwi skin, etc) and it would grind it all up to get all the value. This also was given great reviews, so, we ordered! It was delivered last Wed and we were so excited to try it. We went to the grocery store that Friday night!!! The first use was this past Saturday!

      I have to admit that I was scared because I get really shaky throughout the day because of my PCOS. I also worried about the money that would be spent at the store for all the veggies/fruits. This product suggests we should try replacing two meals with a nutriblast and so that's what we thought we'd try. We decided with our schedule we would do the meal before work and then when we came home at midnight have one. This makes most sense because having a meal before work is usually hard for me and since we get home at midnight it's not good to have a lot of calories. We only bought the stuff for the drinks and then just frozen meals for our lunch at work. We also got eggs to hard boil so that I could ensure I would have something incase I was to get shaky. Furthermore, we got a box of protein bars. Normally, we spend 100.00 a week on food. This trip we spent 104.00, but it saved us a bunch of processed foods and I knew I was doing something good for myself! So, I think it's a good trade off.

   We got home and washed all the berries with white vinegar and water and amazingly it is Sunday and they are still keeping. Berries normally seem to go bad over night. The leafy greens we rinsed and put away of course in air tight container. We have the berries left out so they don't go bad in the fridge! This brings me to the first nutriblast. The first one we tried had blueberries, blackberries, spinich, nuts and strawberries. The taste wasn't too good lol. I drank it at 2pm and wasn't hungry until 7pm. My lunch is normally at 8:15pm. I felt completely full until then! I also had a water bottle filled with strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries to flavor my water. I drank two large bottles of water. On the way home at midnight, I was starving. Like, cranky, shaky, and very unhappy lol. Came home and grabbed two pieces of pizza :( I was very disappointed in myself, but I told myself that I'm not going to give up.

    The next day we made another one. We had banana, spinach, peanut butter, strawberries, and almonds, and maca powder. This one was amazing! So, this showed me that I need to research some recipes to be sure I find ones that I like. Today, I had one with two oranges, strawberry, turmeric, maca powder, and spinach. It was really good as well! I noticed that yesterday, I could barely keep my eyes open when we came home. This is highly unusual for me as we normally stay awake until 4 am! I was out by 1:30. I also had a really bad headache. I slept late today as well. I thought well maybe this isn't working out. I did some research and found out the first week is "detox" and it's a good thing. It's your body eliminating the toxins in the body. It's also teaching your body to burn fat rather then processed foods. So, I'm going to keep going this week and will post an update at the end.

    I am doing this because if I can give my body as much natural foods as possible then maybe my body will lose weight. Furthermore, I'm hoping that it will kick in ovulation so I can get pregnant. I decided that in the middle of the day as snacks I'm going to have hard boiled eggs and a protein shake to get me through. I know that if I let myself get shaky then I will grab the closest thing to me. I will weigh in tomorrow (Monday) and then weigh in each Monday. We are going to try to go to the gym as well. Might not be this week if detox keeps being hard like this. I know that this is working and I'm learning a lot. I have had a lot of people announce their pregnancy around me lately and it just puts motivation into me to keep going. I won't give up on this. It's hard at first, but I know I can do it! I have to! I'm tired of the high blood pressure, fatigue, and being overweight. Jeremiah is doing it with me as well! He said we won't give up either.

   I would say that the nutribullet is worth the price and it's super easy to use and clean! I'm the laziest person ever and if I have no problem washing it then that's saying alot. I will continue to update as I really like the accountability of posting a blog through my experience. I like getting my thoughts out and re-reading what I've done in the past.

Thanks for reading :)

I am still alive and a lot has changed

I know it has been forever since I posted and I promise I have not forgotten about the blog. I have missed sharing my thoughts and so I figured why not post an update?

Since you last read a post on me I have fallen off the wagon again. I have been eating out every chance I get.. I did do pretty good with drinking water and even doing a low carb plan for awhile, but I got sick of the planning that it involves. Everything has Carbs in it so it's so hard to find something that you can eat that's good. Then, there's the problem of craving pizza, fries, Mountain Dew etc that really gets you. I was doing so well with the carb diet, but recently gave it up again. I haven't been to the gym in over 6 months, but still paying for it!! What is wrong with me? One thing, I have been working tons of overtime. We are talking 12 hour shifts 3:30pm-4am, going to school, and just wearing myself out physically as well as mentally.

As far as my infertility/PCOS journey....I have gone through 4 failed IUI's. For those that don't know, Iui involves taking medication to make you ovulate (release the egg) and then going to the doctor to be inseminated when you release the egg. Then, two weeks later you either get your period or you get to go through your monthly gift. I am convinced after 4 failed IUI's our only option is going to be InVitro fertilization which is literally 9,000-10,000 a treatment. After trying to hard through these expensive treatments (IUI), Jeremiah and I have decided to take the year off to help me lose weight. In order to do IVF, I have to be a certain weight.

I am going to try again with the low carb diet and no soda plan, which I really need to stick with. It's so hard! I also need to get back in that gym! Maybe when all the overtime stops, I can get back into the gym. I will do more research on PCOS to see what I can do to help it. If I am going to give up this whole year of trying for a kid, I need to make sure I'm not wasting it. Therefore, any support will be greatly appreciated. I have a tendency to give up when things are tough. This is when my motivation will be tested. I will try to keep up the blog!

The most candid post ever....Need feedback please!?!

   Hello. I normally have some smart photo at the top of each post, but I'm using my Ipad keyboard to type this in my comfy bed. I started walking last week Tuesday and weighed  myself which can be seen in previous post and now my weight is 224.4 disgusting. As most know I was discouraged because on Tuesday which was the official weigh in day I stepped on scale and it said 227 which devastated me. I decided to weigh myself today and got that number 224.4 and felt a little better, but now confused on which one to believe. Either way I just need to keep exercising.

   Time for confession time...I did mess up some over this past week including Wednesday. I get off work at midnight and usually I'm starving because lunch was back at 7:15 so Jeremiah mentioned Denny's on Tuesday after work technically wed.!!! So bad right? Well, we went and what I normally get is *cover eyes* the T-bone steak and eggs w/fries and coke!! This time I knew that I was trying to lose weight and remember this is right when I had just gotten that 227 number previous morning so I was in frustration mode too lol. I ordered buffalo chicken strips as a appetizer and ate 2.5 of them. Then, I ordered Build your own slam which I got eggs, sourdough toast, bacon, and fries. Then, to go I got a piece of Hershey's chocolate cake. Talk about feeling so incredibly guilty!!!! After we got home we chilled for a bit and then we decided we should do our walk lol....after our stomach settled. Well, I felt disgusted and bloated while I was walking and I kept thinking while I was walking down that road how I just saw that 227 and so what was the point of walking?? I kept wanting to cry bc I was like it's either enjoy food and gain weight or walk and gain weight anyway. Jeremiah of course was there trying to support me, but I just wasn't having it. I ended up doing two laps and going inside.   This is where I went to bed feeling miserable, bloated, and ugly, which I vented on Facebook.
 
    I woke  up the next morning and seen all the words of encouragement and thought I can't just give up like that based on one week. I got up at the normal time 3pm on our day off and weighed myself before I ate or anything and that's when I saw 224.4. I was happy, but hesitant in believing that number. I guess it doesn't matter because I decided to ignore the scale and just keep working out. I lounged around like normal and didn't eat anything which is really bad, but I usually don't eat till I'm shaky hungry on my days off. Jeremiah came into the room and he was like I want Mexican...All I kept thinking was of my mistake from the previous day Denny's made me feel horrible and so I suggested Subway. He didn't want Subway and so then he suggested Penn Station subs which I'm not going to lie  they have a special place in my heart LOL. I couldn't say no!! So, that's where I failed on Wed. as we went to Penn station for dinner. I had them hold the salt of course and got the Italian sub which they drip in cheese all over it. They pile onions, salami, ham, banana peppers, and tomatoes on it. My mouth is watering right now just thinking about it...this my friend is the fatty side of me talking!! Anyway, I asked for a small fry to share w Jeremiah instead of getting my own which is good. I also asked for a small drink instead of a medium or large. Regardless, it still isn't good that I gave in again. This is the only meal I ate all night including up to 3:35 am which is what it is now. Jeremiah and I went out walking awhile after Penn Station which is good.

    It felt wonderful to walk and I even tried power walking as much as possible. We tracked the distance using the car and it's a mile around each lap and we do three. Pretty good? I even tried running a certain part of it so I can build up the opportunity to run. When I ran I couldn't catch my breath and it felt like all my fat was jello LOL...it's either laugh or cry, but I pushed each time to where I wanted to end at and made it. I feel better walking now and mentally I want to run, but physically my body is against me. After the laps I felt very accomplished and had a  nice cold water waiting for me to drink at home with some crystal light. My back was full of sweat and I was thankful for the evidence that I pushed myself. So, this week no more hiccups...I'm not going to eat out as we did go grocery shopping today. I have all kinds of healthy food to get me through. What I'm working on is trying to figure out my breakfast and work lunches. This is the hardest part.

  We go to bed around 4:30 am and get up about 1:30 or  2 in afternoon on work days. We have to leave the house by 2:35 ish to get to work by 3:30-midnight. I get up and usually eat a bowl of cereal that don't stick with me (oatmeal squares) then leave for work. I pack smart one's frozen lunches and a 100 calorie Special K snack with a bottle of water to eat at 7:15 ish at night. I also drink a bottle of water at my desk (work at call center for shopnbc). Now, I used to have an ice cold Mountain Dew right by my computer as I worked, but if I want to get pregnant that won't fly so I gave it up this week. I get off work at midnight and we get about 12:45 am so we begin our ritual of watching dvr shows while cooking dinner. When dinner is done we eat about 1:30-2 am, but we do try to keep it healthy in all fairness. Then, we go out and walk our three miles then play on computer to fall asleep by 4:30 or 5am. Honestly this is our schedule. I'm putting it out there because we need serious help!! I've suggested cooking on Sunday for rest of week and having dinner for lunch at work then just eating something light when we come home, but J doesn't want to do that. I know I shouldn't eat the pre packaged food for lunch, but its the fastest thing to grab. I don't want plain sandwiches at work all the time. See the problem is...when you eat out a lot you lose the taste for "normal" food!! I don't know what to do, but this week I did buy pre-packaged stuff. I will put my grocery list up with a list of dinners this week for any feedback in another post tomorrow. 

   I'm still struggling, but the positives are: I've been walking A LOT more, gave up Mountain dew, drinking more water, watching what I eat, and being mindful of things I shouldn't be doing. This week will be no eating out. I don't care how much Jeremiah wants a yummy pizza lol or a fresh hamburger or amazing Mexican. Ugh, losing weight is difficult, but I think I finally have the motivation to do it. I know I need to it now so that I can get preggers. 

  Well, I can say that at least I come back to the blog right?? Must be some kind of hope somewhere in there. I'm sitting here thinking that this blog is really a reflection of what happens to my motivation. It's this on/off again type stuff. Right now, I'm at the heaviest I've ever been!! 225.8 in case you are wondering. However, now I want tog et back on the wagon. Once I tell you what's changed since my last post you might understand. So, lets get back into it.

  That job that I mentioned in my previous post has been amazing! I've been there almost two years now and have met some awesome people. The pay is good, it's stable, and everyone is down to earth. I even was promoted recently for the first time ever!! My next goal? I want to be a supervisor. Can you picture me as a supervisor? Me either!! But, I want to push myself to do it! This is reason number one that I want to lose weight. Whether someone wants to admit it or not...your looks say a lot about you and in the workplace is the number one area where I need to look the part so to speak. I have low confidence and part of that is because of my weight. My lack of confidence is what's holding me back at work...because I don't think I can do thing that normal people can. So, if I lose the weight then my confidence will come through! Now, lets not mistake confidence for being arrogant because that's something I never want to be. So, enough about work and let's move on to another reason shall we?

  Everyone that knows me understands that I am suffering from infertility and so let's just get it outta the way. Jeremiah and I have been married for 7 years now! We are both extremely happy with each other and know that we are literally a forever couple. The only thing missing is the fact I can't get pregnant!! He don't pressure me about it, but trust me it bothers him. We all know it bothers me as it's something I want more then anything. I have let it go for awhile now at least not thinking about it all the time, but little things will trigger it. For example, moms with their kids at the store, cute baby pictures, and stories of babies. I found out that my YOUNGER brother is now having his first baby! I am so excited about that because I'm going to be an aunt. It will be hard since they live in NY, but I'll make sure to be in the kids life. When I found out the news..I cried for HOURS and went through feelings of happiness, sadness, jealousy, and anger!! Now, I'm excited, but when I meet the kid...I'm going to probally go through all that roller coaster again. Furthermore, one of my good friends who I met at work has a daughter that has just gave birth to twins. Exciting, but I got to hear about all the ultrasounds etc...and the excitement all meanwhile my heart was breaking. I had to be a good friend so I brushed it off. She knows what I'm going through so she was sensitive to what she told me. Isn't that horrible? She had to contain her excitement around me because of what I'm going through!?!?! This makes me feel bad about myself too. Anyway, seeing my parents get all excited, buy baby things, and everything is making me sad...why? This was suppose to be me! I'm the oldest! Then I feel horrible for being sad when such a good thing is happening to the family. This is what infertility does!! Anyway, there's a pregnant girl at work to and she's about to go into labor..maybe at work!! She was having contractions the other night and I started getting jealous again..but then I thought you know what...you can help yourself by losing that weight!! I told myself if you want it bad enough you need to get out there and do it!! So, I'm using all this baby fever as motivation to get pregnant. 

   Another change is we moved to a very nice apartment. The nicest one we have ever had. This one is a two bedroom. Yes, I thought hmm now we have another room incase we have a baby lol. Right now? it's a computer room!! The nice thing about moving is there is a nice big area where Jeremiah and I can walk. Since we've moved here Jeremiah has gone out running and walking while I sat on the couch. He would invite me out and I'd say maybe tomorrow or no way! Each time I denied him, I'd feel that tinge of guilt because I knew I needed to be out there with him. I've been eating out and drinking that Mountain dew faithfully with no exercise! HORRIBLE. Finally, the last few weeks, I've been feeling bloated, fat, and very ugly! I hate looking at myself in the mirror. This is where it all comes full circle...I decided I need to do something. So, since Tuesday, Jeremiah and I have been walking and tomorrow I'm going to go with no Mountain Dew!!! *gasp* None!! 

I'm also apart of this group https://www.facebook.com/groups/488595871218821/members/     So, we are motivating each other to lose the weight. Then, I remembered about this blog! This is another tool to help me feel motivated/accountable. I'm back and I pledge to get off the couch!! Maybe do some youtube videos as well. I hope through my story I help inspire!! Please continue to motivate me if you are still here.