Well, I can say that at least I come back to the blog right?? Must be some kind of hope somewhere in there. I'm sitting here thinking that this blog is really a reflection of what happens to my motivation. It's this on/off again type stuff. Right now, I'm at the heaviest I've ever been!! 225.8 in case you are wondering. However, now I want tog et back on the wagon. Once I tell you what's changed since my last post you might understand. So, lets get back into it.
That job that I mentioned in my previous post has been amazing! I've been there almost two years now and have met some awesome people. The pay is good, it's stable, and everyone is down to earth. I even was promoted recently for the first time ever!! My next goal? I want to be a supervisor. Can you picture me as a supervisor? Me either!! But, I want to push myself to do it! This is reason number one that I want to lose weight. Whether someone wants to admit it or not...your looks say a lot about you and in the workplace is the number one area where I need to look the part so to speak. I have low confidence and part of that is because of my weight. My lack of confidence is what's holding me back at work...because I don't think I can do thing that normal people can. So, if I lose the weight then my confidence will come through! Now, lets not mistake confidence for being arrogant because that's something I never want to be. So, enough about work and let's move on to another reason shall we?
Everyone that knows me understands that I am suffering from infertility and so let's just get it outta the way. Jeremiah and I have been married for 7 years now! We are both extremely happy with each other and know that we are literally a forever couple. The only thing missing is the fact I can't get pregnant!! He don't pressure me about it, but trust me it bothers him. We all know it bothers me as it's something I want more then anything. I have let it go for awhile now at least not thinking about it all the time, but little things will trigger it. For example, moms with their kids at the store, cute baby pictures, and stories of babies. I found out that my YOUNGER brother is now having his first baby! I am so excited about that because I'm going to be an aunt. It will be hard since they live in NY, but I'll make sure to be in the kids life. When I found out the news..I cried for HOURS and went through feelings of happiness, sadness, jealousy, and anger!! Now, I'm excited, but when I meet the kid...I'm going to probally go through all that roller coaster again. Furthermore, one of my good friends who I met at work has a daughter that has just gave birth to twins. Exciting, but I got to hear about all the ultrasounds etc...and the excitement all meanwhile my heart was breaking. I had to be a good friend so I brushed it off. She knows what I'm going through so she was sensitive to what she told me. Isn't that horrible? She had to contain her excitement around me because of what I'm going through!?!?! This makes me feel bad about myself too. Anyway, seeing my parents get all excited, buy baby things, and everything is making me sad...why? This was suppose to be me! I'm the oldest! Then I feel horrible for being sad when such a good thing is happening to the family. This is what infertility does!! Anyway, there's a pregnant girl at work to and she's about to go into labor..maybe at work!! She was having contractions the other night and I started getting jealous again..but then I thought you know what...you can help yourself by losing that weight!! I told myself if you want it bad enough you need to get out there and do it!! So, I'm using all this baby fever as motivation to get pregnant.
Another change is we moved to a very nice apartment. The nicest one we have ever had. This one is a two bedroom. Yes, I thought hmm now we have another room incase we have a baby lol. Right now? it's a computer room!! The nice thing about moving is there is a nice big area where Jeremiah and I can walk. Since we've moved here Jeremiah has gone out running and walking while I sat on the couch. He would invite me out and I'd say maybe tomorrow or no way! Each time I denied him, I'd feel that tinge of guilt because I knew I needed to be out there with him. I've been eating out and drinking that Mountain dew faithfully with no exercise! HORRIBLE. Finally, the last few weeks, I've been feeling bloated, fat, and very ugly! I hate looking at myself in the mirror. This is where it all comes full circle...I decided I need to do something. So, since Tuesday, Jeremiah and I have been walking and tomorrow I'm going to go with no Mountain Dew!!! *gasp* None!!
I'm also apart of this group https://www.facebook.com/groups/488595871218821/members/ So, we are motivating each other to lose the weight. Then, I remembered about this blog! This is another tool to help me feel motivated/accountable. I'm back and I pledge to get off the couch!! Maybe do some youtube videos as well. I hope through my story I help inspire!! Please continue to motivate me if you are still here.
