The most candid post ever....Need feedback please!?!

   Hello. I normally have some smart photo at the top of each post, but I'm using my Ipad keyboard to type this in my comfy bed. I started walking last week Tuesday and weighed  myself which can be seen in previous post and now my weight is 224.4 disgusting. As most know I was discouraged because on Tuesday which was the official weigh in day I stepped on scale and it said 227 which devastated me. I decided to weigh myself today and got that number 224.4 and felt a little better, but now confused on which one to believe. Either way I just need to keep exercising.

   Time for confession time...I did mess up some over this past week including Wednesday. I get off work at midnight and usually I'm starving because lunch was back at 7:15 so Jeremiah mentioned Denny's on Tuesday after work technically wed.!!! So bad right? Well, we went and what I normally get is *cover eyes* the T-bone steak and eggs w/fries and coke!! This time I knew that I was trying to lose weight and remember this is right when I had just gotten that 227 number previous morning so I was in frustration mode too lol. I ordered buffalo chicken strips as a appetizer and ate 2.5 of them. Then, I ordered Build your own slam which I got eggs, sourdough toast, bacon, and fries. Then, to go I got a piece of Hershey's chocolate cake. Talk about feeling so incredibly guilty!!!! After we got home we chilled for a bit and then we decided we should do our walk lol....after our stomach settled. Well, I felt disgusted and bloated while I was walking and I kept thinking while I was walking down that road how I just saw that 227 and so what was the point of walking?? I kept wanting to cry bc I was like it's either enjoy food and gain weight or walk and gain weight anyway. Jeremiah of course was there trying to support me, but I just wasn't having it. I ended up doing two laps and going inside.   This is where I went to bed feeling miserable, bloated, and ugly, which I vented on Facebook.
 
    I woke  up the next morning and seen all the words of encouragement and thought I can't just give up like that based on one week. I got up at the normal time 3pm on our day off and weighed myself before I ate or anything and that's when I saw 224.4. I was happy, but hesitant in believing that number. I guess it doesn't matter because I decided to ignore the scale and just keep working out. I lounged around like normal and didn't eat anything which is really bad, but I usually don't eat till I'm shaky hungry on my days off. Jeremiah came into the room and he was like I want Mexican...All I kept thinking was of my mistake from the previous day Denny's made me feel horrible and so I suggested Subway. He didn't want Subway and so then he suggested Penn Station subs which I'm not going to lie  they have a special place in my heart LOL. I couldn't say no!! So, that's where I failed on Wed. as we went to Penn station for dinner. I had them hold the salt of course and got the Italian sub which they drip in cheese all over it. They pile onions, salami, ham, banana peppers, and tomatoes on it. My mouth is watering right now just thinking about it...this my friend is the fatty side of me talking!! Anyway, I asked for a small fry to share w Jeremiah instead of getting my own which is good. I also asked for a small drink instead of a medium or large. Regardless, it still isn't good that I gave in again. This is the only meal I ate all night including up to 3:35 am which is what it is now. Jeremiah and I went out walking awhile after Penn Station which is good.

    It felt wonderful to walk and I even tried power walking as much as possible. We tracked the distance using the car and it's a mile around each lap and we do three. Pretty good? I even tried running a certain part of it so I can build up the opportunity to run. When I ran I couldn't catch my breath and it felt like all my fat was jello LOL...it's either laugh or cry, but I pushed each time to where I wanted to end at and made it. I feel better walking now and mentally I want to run, but physically my body is against me. After the laps I felt very accomplished and had a  nice cold water waiting for me to drink at home with some crystal light. My back was full of sweat and I was thankful for the evidence that I pushed myself. So, this week no more hiccups...I'm not going to eat out as we did go grocery shopping today. I have all kinds of healthy food to get me through. What I'm working on is trying to figure out my breakfast and work lunches. This is the hardest part.

  We go to bed around 4:30 am and get up about 1:30 or  2 in afternoon on work days. We have to leave the house by 2:35 ish to get to work by 3:30-midnight. I get up and usually eat a bowl of cereal that don't stick with me (oatmeal squares) then leave for work. I pack smart one's frozen lunches and a 100 calorie Special K snack with a bottle of water to eat at 7:15 ish at night. I also drink a bottle of water at my desk (work at call center for shopnbc). Now, I used to have an ice cold Mountain Dew right by my computer as I worked, but if I want to get pregnant that won't fly so I gave it up this week. I get off work at midnight and we get about 12:45 am so we begin our ritual of watching dvr shows while cooking dinner. When dinner is done we eat about 1:30-2 am, but we do try to keep it healthy in all fairness. Then, we go out and walk our three miles then play on computer to fall asleep by 4:30 or 5am. Honestly this is our schedule. I'm putting it out there because we need serious help!! I've suggested cooking on Sunday for rest of week and having dinner for lunch at work then just eating something light when we come home, but J doesn't want to do that. I know I shouldn't eat the pre packaged food for lunch, but its the fastest thing to grab. I don't want plain sandwiches at work all the time. See the problem is...when you eat out a lot you lose the taste for "normal" food!! I don't know what to do, but this week I did buy pre-packaged stuff. I will put my grocery list up with a list of dinners this week for any feedback in another post tomorrow. 

   I'm still struggling, but the positives are: I've been walking A LOT more, gave up Mountain dew, drinking more water, watching what I eat, and being mindful of things I shouldn't be doing. This week will be no eating out. I don't care how much Jeremiah wants a yummy pizza lol or a fresh hamburger or amazing Mexican. Ugh, losing weight is difficult, but I think I finally have the motivation to do it. I know I need to it now so that I can get preggers. 

  Well, I can say that at least I come back to the blog right?? Must be some kind of hope somewhere in there. I'm sitting here thinking that this blog is really a reflection of what happens to my motivation. It's this on/off again type stuff. Right now, I'm at the heaviest I've ever been!! 225.8 in case you are wondering. However, now I want tog et back on the wagon. Once I tell you what's changed since my last post you might understand. So, lets get back into it.

  That job that I mentioned in my previous post has been amazing! I've been there almost two years now and have met some awesome people. The pay is good, it's stable, and everyone is down to earth. I even was promoted recently for the first time ever!! My next goal? I want to be a supervisor. Can you picture me as a supervisor? Me either!! But, I want to push myself to do it! This is reason number one that I want to lose weight. Whether someone wants to admit it or not...your looks say a lot about you and in the workplace is the number one area where I need to look the part so to speak. I have low confidence and part of that is because of my weight. My lack of confidence is what's holding me back at work...because I don't think I can do thing that normal people can. So, if I lose the weight then my confidence will come through! Now, lets not mistake confidence for being arrogant because that's something I never want to be. So, enough about work and let's move on to another reason shall we?

  Everyone that knows me understands that I am suffering from infertility and so let's just get it outta the way. Jeremiah and I have been married for 7 years now! We are both extremely happy with each other and know that we are literally a forever couple. The only thing missing is the fact I can't get pregnant!! He don't pressure me about it, but trust me it bothers him. We all know it bothers me as it's something I want more then anything. I have let it go for awhile now at least not thinking about it all the time, but little things will trigger it. For example, moms with their kids at the store, cute baby pictures, and stories of babies. I found out that my YOUNGER brother is now having his first baby! I am so excited about that because I'm going to be an aunt. It will be hard since they live in NY, but I'll make sure to be in the kids life. When I found out the news..I cried for HOURS and went through feelings of happiness, sadness, jealousy, and anger!! Now, I'm excited, but when I meet the kid...I'm going to probally go through all that roller coaster again. Furthermore, one of my good friends who I met at work has a daughter that has just gave birth to twins. Exciting, but I got to hear about all the ultrasounds etc...and the excitement all meanwhile my heart was breaking. I had to be a good friend so I brushed it off. She knows what I'm going through so she was sensitive to what she told me. Isn't that horrible? She had to contain her excitement around me because of what I'm going through!?!?! This makes me feel bad about myself too. Anyway, seeing my parents get all excited, buy baby things, and everything is making me sad...why? This was suppose to be me! I'm the oldest! Then I feel horrible for being sad when such a good thing is happening to the family. This is what infertility does!! Anyway, there's a pregnant girl at work to and she's about to go into labor..maybe at work!! She was having contractions the other night and I started getting jealous again..but then I thought you know what...you can help yourself by losing that weight!! I told myself if you want it bad enough you need to get out there and do it!! So, I'm using all this baby fever as motivation to get pregnant. 

   Another change is we moved to a very nice apartment. The nicest one we have ever had. This one is a two bedroom. Yes, I thought hmm now we have another room incase we have a baby lol. Right now? it's a computer room!! The nice thing about moving is there is a nice big area where Jeremiah and I can walk. Since we've moved here Jeremiah has gone out running and walking while I sat on the couch. He would invite me out and I'd say maybe tomorrow or no way! Each time I denied him, I'd feel that tinge of guilt because I knew I needed to be out there with him. I've been eating out and drinking that Mountain dew faithfully with no exercise! HORRIBLE. Finally, the last few weeks, I've been feeling bloated, fat, and very ugly! I hate looking at myself in the mirror. This is where it all comes full circle...I decided I need to do something. So, since Tuesday, Jeremiah and I have been walking and tomorrow I'm going to go with no Mountain Dew!!! *gasp* None!! 

I'm also apart of this group https://www.facebook.com/groups/488595871218821/members/     So, we are motivating each other to lose the weight. Then, I remembered about this blog! This is another tool to help me feel motivated/accountable. I'm back and I pledge to get off the couch!! Maybe do some youtube videos as well. I hope through my story I help inspire!! Please continue to motivate me if you are still here.